Challenges

Sabbath, Sunday, and today have not seen many lucid moments.  On Sabbath, Angela pulled her NG tube out.  She has been drinking quite well, including a smoothie that I make her each morning, packed with everything healthy I can think of, including wheat grass at her request.  Because of its strong flavor, I decided  yesterday to see if I could hide Lactulose in it today, and it worked.  She hadn't had any since she pulled the tube, and her ammonia level just about tripled.  If this doesn't continue to work, we're down to reinserting the NG tube, which I fear will require sedation and/or restraints, trying to get a stomach tube put in surgically, or just providing her with comfort care and letting nature take its course.  Placing the stomach tube will require someone (I'm not sure if it has to go to a judge or just be signed off by two physicians) to agree that she is incapable of making her own medical decisions as she told the doctor that she does not want one. She has also told me she doesn't want to die, but she is convinced that she doesn't need her medicines and/or someone is giving her the wrong ones.  One of the doctors she has seen for years came by today and said she's just got too many things going wrong, and he doesn't think she can pull out of it.  I understand but I'm not ready to stop fighting yet.  I'm not convinced that everything can't get balanced and give her a reasonable life for another while.  But it is hard fighting for her when that means fighting her.  This confusion is not fun to deal with.  I've stopped asking God to heal her and have started asking him to do what He knows best.  I only want her to have peace.  Some of her confusion has been anything but peaceful.  I'm so glad for the hope of the resurrection, when she will have a perfect body and mind, but if it is God's will, I'd like her around here a while longer first.  Mike is considering flying down for the long weekend.  It would be nice to have him here.